Today is mom's (Deb's) birthday, but it also marks a time when I was the most scared I have ever been. Today, it has been a year from when my water broke with Logan and thus began this journey we have been on.
I was at work, and I thought i would be adventurous and go back and read my posts on my message board from a year ago. Instead of having any sort of fondness, I broke down crying and just lost it. This year has been the fastest emotional roller coaster ever. It was like reliving the suppressed feelings I thought I had long forgotton. The feelings of inadequacy and feelings of failure and guilt. Guilt because my body wasn't strong enough to carry the babies to term. Guilt because they went through so much struggling in the NICU. Believe it or not, everyday is a reminder of the fact that they were born early. They are so small. They have challenges. they are behind cognitively and physically. Yes, we celebrate each milestone, but we are also reminded of the fact that they are behind.
I look at them everyday, they are little miracles. They beat the odds. Yet today I am sad. I thought revisiting those words I had written would make me relieved that we overcame, but I think just the opposite happened. Instead of grieving then- having to be strong for the babies, I am grieving now. Grieving the loss of a blissful pregnancy, grieving the loss of the ideal delivery and all of the expectations I had. Grieving the fact that I had to leave my babies behind for 3 months to grow and develop-something they could not do inside of me. It has been the best and hardest year ever. I am thankful for their little lives everyday.
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